WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Explaining their vote against an impeachment trial, Senate Republicans asserted that it is unconstitutional to hold government officials accountable unless they are Hillary Clinton.

“I’ve consulted with the finest constitutional lawyers in the country,” Senator John Cornyn, of Texas, said. “Without exception, they determined that the enforcement measures that the Framers created, in 1787, were intended only to be used in cases of Hillary.”

Senator Josh Hawley, of Missouri, concurred. “To see legal guardrails that James Madison explicitly designed for Hillary Clinton used on someone who is demonstrably not Hillary Clinton is a disgrace,” he said. 

Senator Lindsey Graham, of South Carolina, struck a more conciliatory note, suggesting that there were circumstances under which Senate Republicans might support an impeachment trial next month. “If a decision were made to put Hillary Clinton on trial, we would be on board with that,” he said.