RICHMOND (The Borowitz Report)—After a statue of Robert E. Lee was removed from Richmond, Virginia, Donald J. Trump offered to buy the monument for his bedroom at Mar-a-Lago.

“It’s a beautiful statue of a beautiful man, and, quite frankly, there’s no one I’d rather wake up to every morning,” he said.

Stating that the removal of the statue “should never have been allowed to happen in this country,” Trump said that he had offered Virginia a statue of himself in return.

“I can’t think of a better person to take Robert E. Lee’s place than Trump,” he said. “I’ll even throw in free shipping, like that loser Bezos.”

Asked why he had decided to place the Civil War statue in his bedroom, Trump said that his wife, Melania, had asked him to put it someplace where she wouldn’t see it.