By Bull Winkle
SHAKOPEE, Minn. — MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell claims that the Taliban’s seizure of control of Afghanistan is a deception, and offered to provide “conclusive, irrefutable” evidence that the U.S. actually won the conflict years ago.
“Don’t buy the press lies,” said Lindell from the MyPillow corporate and cyber investigation headquarters. “We won this war.”
Lindell said he reached this conclusion based on information from his new research team of data miners, formerly employed by attorney Sidney Powell. He also confirmed he’d “learned some lessons” from his recent cyber symposium and “this time my information is airtight”.
“We found literally hundreds of times that military and civilian leaders said we were winning,” said Lindell. “Aside from one commander in Herat who commented, ‘we’re not sucking as much as we did in Iraq,’ in like, a gagillion press briefings, news stories, and Congressional hearings, both commanders and government officials consistently indicated success,”
“There are dozens of statements about ‘turning a corner,” continued Lindell. “Even more about ‘successful democracy’, and a few briefings where somebody dropped the mic and moonwalked out.”
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Lindell contends he has even more data from military “Commander Update Briefings” (or CUBs) and “Battle Update Briefings” (BUBs) to bolster his claim. “These CUBs and BUBs, cute names, right? We have thousands of slides showing victory in every province. Some with awesome animation. Slides don’t lie.”
“Those slides are meaningless,” said Center for Strategic Studies data scientist Amanda Vargas. The briefings routinely feature charts and graphics tracking progress in various lines of effort like economics, infrastructure, governance, and other aspects.
“That crap probably thrilled a lot of generals but it doesn’t add up to victory,” said Vargas. “There’s tons of data on atmospherics, for example. I’m not even sure what that means outside of a weather context.”
Vargas pointed out that Lindell’s information is missing key elements supporting an actual victory in Afghanistan. “Collectively, they don’t show strategic national security objectives or intent. Without those, nobody can define winning.”
She observed that Lindell’s slide data appeared to be prepared by hundreds of exceptionally tired people who served in the country for a year or less. “It almost looks like that in a country called ‘the Graveyard of Empires,’ our government used PowerPoint to communicate the dynamics of an exceptionally complex counter-insurgency while never really understanding the conflict. But that’s too ridiculous to be true.”
Through the Freedom of Information Act, Lindell intends to gain “terabytes” of briefing materials from across the government from 20 years of the Afghanistan conflict to prove that the U.S. defeated the Taliban in 2017, the first year of the Trump administration.
Lindell plans to reveal the totality of the information in September in an event he tentatively calls, ”Win-A-Palooza.” He is offering $5 million to any person who can prove that the U.S. lost in Afghanistan.
At press time, more than 39,000,000 Afghans plan to accept Lindell’s challenge.
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