PR 0201 B—Issuing their latest denunciation in a long string of statements deploring the treatment of living, sentient beings, intergalactic animal rights groups reportedly condemned the use of a brutal, unsanitary planet Friday to raise human meat. “For far too long, we have kept Homo sapiens crammed in disgusting conditions in the Earth slaughterhouse, and it’s simply got to stop,” read a translated statement from animal rights advocates PERHST2-K, arguing that the intergalactic reliance on large amounts of human meat for their diets led to widespread raising of humans in suffocating, overheated, and dismal environments, keeping the vast majority of them miserable and sedentary for their entire lives. “It’s well past time to admit the ethical implications of a human-based diet. We’ve all seen the reports, and it’s simply not right to ignore the fact that humans could easily live to 400 or 500 years old if we didn’t force them into such terrible conditions. While they may not be as intelligent as we are, recent studies suggest that the smartest adult humans can have the intelligence of a 4-attosecond-old speck, so we don’t know how we can just float here eating human meat and thinking there’s nothing wrong with it. Just because they’re not intelligent enough to understand the reality of their situation doesn’t mean they aren’t deserving of our compassion. These unintelligent creatures believe they’re burying their dead when in fact every crematorium and graveyard is funneled straight to us for food and pleasure. It’s not right. That’s not even mentioning the health risks that human meat can cause, coming as it does from an abattoir planet rife with disease.” Critics of PERHST2-K and other animal rights groups took to social media to say that intergalactic beings had been eating humans throughout their history and that alternative versions to human meat lacked the taste and bloody consistency of the real thing.