WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Minutes after the congressional committee investigating the January 6th insurrection voted unanimously to subpoena the former President, Donald J. Trump responded by submitting a note from his podiatrist.

The foot specialist, Dr. Harland Dorrinson, indicated in the note that Trump’s chronic bone-spur issues, which had been asymptomatic in recent years, had suddenly “been acting up again.”

“This afternoon, Mr. Trump began experiencing unbearable pain consistent with bone-spur inflammation,” the podiatrist wrote. “For this reason, I cannot in good conscience give him permission to testify.”

The podiatrist’s note did not appear to discourage one committee member, Representative Liz Cheney, who volunteered to hoist Trump onto a luggage trolley and wheel him into the hearing room.