WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alarmed by his plunging poll numbers, Donald J. Trump is actively considering replacing Mike Pence on the G.O.P. ticket with a Confederate statue, White House sources have revealed.

According to the sources, Trump is currently considering a short list of Confederate monuments to swap for Pence, including statues of Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis.

Reportedly, Trump believes that replacing Pence with a Confederate statue is just what his campaign needs to energize his base.

“Plus, he’ll finally have someone in his inner circle who won’t write a book,” one source said.

According to the same source, choosing among the Confederate statues is shaping up to be the toughest decision of Trump’s Presidency. “He thinks they’re all very fine people,” the source said.

But another White House insider was less sanguine about the strengths a Confederate statue would bring to Trump’s reëlection effort.

“Replacing Pence with an inanimate object seems like a wash to me,” the insider said.

RICHMOND (The Borowitz Report)—After a statue of Robert E. Lee was removed from Richmond, Virginia, Donald J. Trump offered to buy the monument for his bedroom at Mar-a-Lago.

“It’s a beautiful statue of a beautiful man, and, quite frankly, there’s no one I’d rather wake up to every morning,” he said.

Stating that the removal of the statue “should never have been allowed to happen in this country,” Trump said that he had offered Virginia a statue of himself in return.

“I can’t think of a better person to take Robert E. Lee’s place than Trump,” he said. “I’ll even throw in free shipping, like that loser Bezos.”

Asked why he had decided to place the Civil War statue in his bedroom, Trump said that his wife, Melania, had asked him to put it someplace where she wouldn’t see it.